sometimes, when you are a man

i'm forgetting my soul at the bottom of a purse
with red lipstick and a grey notebook
that's quiet enough to make me wonder
what it would say if i got around
to opening it.

my thoughts slide back down into a pile of
"gothic cathedrals tend to have rib vaults
and pointed arches.
romanesque cathedrals usually have groin vaults
and rounded arches."
"lady macbeth goes crazy because she focuses so hard
on distinguishing imagination from reality
that when her imagination becomes her reality
she doesn't realize it."
"i hate myself for loving you.
and by you i mean 5 seconds of summer.
i swear.
all my indie street cred is out the window."
"hitchcock usually gets credit for creating the accordian zoom
because of his application of it in vertigo.
this is significant because it is used a means
of character development and revelation."
and it all gets lost.

i'm drawing in the chipped parts of my
black fingernails like they'll redeem me.
it doesn't mean anything.
it doesn't mean anything.

i'm used to holding myself together like the arms
around my torso can keep the world
from falling.
my arms are around my torso but the world
is falling.


--erin



you wear stretchy pants in your room.
it's for fun.

growth hormones

(sometimes i feel hidden.
lights only reach my outside.)
[i guess that's true.
is that a good thing?]
(i'm wearing a mask.
just like everyone else.)
[literally or figuratively?
because you look the same to me.]
(it doesn't even look like me.
smiles that bright hurt my eyes.)
[i think you have a lovely smile.
what doesn't look like you?]
(this mask is warm.
melting everything.)
[i don't understand.
please elaborate.]
(i have a problem.
it's about melting.)
[okay.
what about melting?]
(what happens
when i melt away?)
[i expect you'll be warmer.
melting hearts are generally regarded as good.]
(i think i'm water.
ice melts into water.)
[that's true.
there will be a puddle at your feet.]
(no.
i think i might be the puddle.)
[what do you mean?
i don't understand.]
(you wouldn't.
i don't.)
[again, what do you mean?
please elaborate.]
(your heart is frozen in ice.
my heart is frozen ice.)
[what?]


--erin

another list called "good things"

• rediscovering totally bangin' playlists from long ago
• people who recognize movie quotes
• not writing papers at 1a.m.
• sleep
• laughing at yourself
• feeling full but not fat
• modest mouse
• coming up with band names
• like how cool would it be if your band was named eponymous so that your eponymous album would be called eponymous
• don't steal my idea
• bullet points
• not having homework to do
• sleep
• obedient liquid eye liner
• having q-tips readily on hand for disobedient liquid eye liner
• laying on the ground
• harry potter and the prizoner of azkaban
• harry potter and the literally anything 
• that wasn't actually a book
• sorry for crushing your hopes and dreams
• mine died with fred weasley
• no shave november and also october and december and january and february and throw in march for good measure
• electric guest
• five dollar concerts in pioneer park
• chocolate milk
• the word "heathen" and its accurate application to me that everyone thinks i'm joking about but i kind of want a tattoo and i don't want to go on a mission and i say shit a lot and my brain says fuck a lot and i have to think about what i'm saying a lot because otherwise i'd end up saying "you can take your studying and shove it up your ass" and that seems to be frowned upon in the greater provo area
• sleep
• dr pepper from mcdonald's
• autocorrect*
• asterisks
• ampersands
• freckled shoulders
• phantogram
• knowing trivia
• did you know that snails are hermaphrodites
• did you know that lions and leopards and cheetahs don't get along
• did you know that grizzly bear remixed a feist song
• like what is this and how is this
• as much as i like it, i don't know how i feel about grizzly bear remixing things
• did you know that titus andronicus is the worst ever
• this is truth
• not opinion
• sleeping babies
• lyk omg babeez
• apple cider
• sweaters
• boys
• campfires
• the combination of the four preceding points
• sleep
• 1a.m. blogging
• eating real breakfast
• CAPSLOCK
• a lack of capslock
• rain
• crunchy leaves
• electric blankets
• e.e. cummings
• a lot of the books on the banned book list
• i'm looking at you, perks of being a wallflower
• not so much captain underpants.
• sorry
• those chocolate oranges i get in my stocking at christmas that you against the floor so that the little chocolate sections fall away from the center like a beautiful artichoke
• or something like that
• everyone's obsession with david archuleta and then they're like "but his ideal girl is one that isn't obsessed with him" and then i say "obv i'm his ideal girl then, considering the fact that if i wasn't as lazy as i def am, i probably would've voted for david cook." and then they ignore my lack of fangirling over him as i laugh because probably none of us will marry him
• sleep
• oreos dipped in nutella
• thinking about baby names like i can actually talk to cute boys without reverting to my multi-chinned state of awkward non-flirting
• i can't
• i'm never getting married
• if i have a girl, i want to name her rosaline
• my dog
• he's smelly
• i love him
• my roommate
• she's actually super cool
• we get along really well
• we have dance parties with a strobe light app
• she thinks it's scary
• i think her fear is amusing
• i am a terrible person
• sleep
• boys with nice jawlines
• i could name our child rosaline
• beating other people academically
• it reminds me of high school
• #sorrynotsorry
• sleep

--erin

*sometimes

wizdomme

things that didn't make my paper about the definition of wisdom for my shakespeare class:

wisdom is a heart that beats instead of breaking
understanding before reacting
living before falling
falling before running
running before crawling
crawling before crying
wisdom bleeds
wisdom hears and
wisdom hurts
belief in yourself
belief in everything but yourself
wisdom is remembering pain
knowing you don't know everything
trying to learn everything
loving without reservation
loving with only reservation
watching the spaces between your fingertips
closing the spaces between your hearts
dropping barriers
putting them up
knowing yourself
forgetting yourself
forgetting everyone else
crying until the tears forget why they're there
showing vulnerability
hiding vulnerability
sharing your soul
keeping it to yourself



i still don't know what wisdom is
where to find it
how to gain it
if i'm supposed to apply it
or live in shaking ignorance






tell me if wisdom is accepting pain
or avoiding it



--erin