cyclical

my bones felt like glass,
but they haven't broken yet,

and
her eyes are growing
and shrinking
along with the moon

and
her lungs are growing
and shrinking
along with the moon

and
her faith is growing
and shrinking
along with the moon

and
my bones are made of plastic.

i can beat
and
i can breathe

while she grows
and shrinks
along with the moon.

she thinks her bones are made of glass
and she thinks she is the moon,
but she hasn't broken yet.

i haven't broken yet.


--erin

a girl on my floor is engaged and i haven't even had a boyfriend but this mostly doesn't have anything to do with that.

my bookshelf is overflowing with good intentions
and my eyes are overflowing with misperceptions
and my mind is telling me to pay attention
and my heart is telling me about imperfection

because i'm watching with shaking hands.
i'm asking if i understand.
i'm learning about myself and
and i'm learning that i'm made of sand.

and i'm a sand girl
with a sand castle
and the ocean is brushing my hair out of my face
like mama always did,

with her fingers slotting through the strands.
with my fingers slotting through the sands.
and you can tell my mind it's supposed to expand,
but it'll tell you about my hands
and how they aren't as soft as they're supposed to be.

my thoughts are written out on my ribcage
and my skin is as quiet as a blank page
"you'll understand when you're older" isn't a stage
and they'll tell me to act my age,
but i'm falling asleep to the lullaby that played when i turned the key.

sand girls and boys
line up and down the road
and we're asking what we're doing.
we're older.
we're wiser.
we'll lie to our sisters when they ask us,

because they'll understand when they're older.
they'll understand when they're colder.
they'll understand when their shoulder
shrugs off the questions of their sisters.

because my bookshelf is overflowing with good intentions,
and my eyes are overflowing with misperceptions
and the wind is taking me apart as i get older.
the wind is taking me apart as i get colder.
the wind is taking me apart and my hands aren't as soft as they used to be.
and the wind is taking me apart as i get older.


--erin

growth hormones

(sometimes i feel hidden.
lights only reach my outside.)
[i guess that's true.
is that a good thing?]
(i'm wearing a mask.
just like everyone else.)
[literally or figuratively?
because you look the same to me.]
(it doesn't even look like me.
smiles that bright hurt my eyes.)
[i think you have a lovely smile.
what doesn't look like you?]
(this mask is warm.
melting everything.)
[i don't understand.
please elaborate.]
(i have a problem.
it's about melting.)
[okay.
what about melting?]
(what happens
when i melt away?)
[i expect you'll be warmer.
melting hearts are generally regarded as good.]
(i think i'm water.
ice melts into water.)
[that's true.
there will be a puddle at your feet.]
(no.
i think i might be the puddle.)
[what do you mean?
i don't understand.]
(you wouldn't.
i don't.)
[again, what do you mean?
please elaborate.]
(your heart is frozen in ice.
my heart is frozen ice.)
[what?]


--erin

missed hands

i'm afraid of forgetting myself.
i'm afraid of turning into mist.

i'm afraid of turning into mist,
and it feels like i'm turning away from the sun.

i'm breathing through my nose
but my mouth is feeling cold.

my hands are feeling cold.
i'm afraid my hands are cold.

i'm afraid of falling when there's nothing to catch me.
i'm afraid that i'd still jump.

i'm afraid of becoming the mist that swallows me.
i'm afraid of youth and loneliness.

i'm afraid that they're more connected than i thought.
i'm afraid that they will swallow me.

i'm afraid of becoming the mist that swallows me.
i'm afraid of waterfalls.

i'm afraid of becoming a waterfall.
waterfalls don't have hands.

waterfalls have mist and they turn from the sunlight.
waterfalls can't catch themselves.

i'm afraid i can't catch myself.
i'm afraid of what i can't do.

i'm afraid of what i can do.
i'm afraid of what the world looks like.

i'm afraid of what it doesn't look like.
i'm afraid of what i want it to look like.

i'm afraid of not having hands near me.
i'm afraid of having hands near me.

i'm afraid of proximity.
i'm afraid of youth and loneliness.

i'm afraid that i don't know what either word means.
i'm afraid that they're entwined.

i'm afraid that they've wrapped around me.
i'm afraid that they are mist.

i'm afraid of youth and loneliness
i'm afraid of you and stoniness

i don't need a hand to hold.
i might need a hand to hold.

i'm afraid my hands are cold.
i'm afraid that i've forgotten.

i'm afraid that i've turned to mist.
i'm afraid that i don't have hands to hold.

i'm afraid that hands pass through me.
i'm afraid that i make them cold.

i'm afraid of being cold.
i might need a hand to hold.

i'm afraid of the mist.
i'm afraid i don't have hands.

i'm afraid my hands are cold.
i'm afraid of my mist.

i'm afraid my hands are mist.
i'm afraid your hands will miss.

i'm afraid of you
i'm afraid of me
i'm afraid of the pain in the lines on my hands
i'm afraid of hands holding my heart
i'm afraid of my heart trapped behind the bars of my chest
i'm afraid of giving it to you
i'm afraid of your hands
i'm afraid of my hands
i'm afraid of the mist
i'm afraid of my hands
i'm afraid of the mist
i'm afraid of the hands
i'm afraid of my mist
missing hands hold missing hearts
walk into the mist walk into me
walking away
walking alone
watching alone
wasting away
being a stone
falling away


--erin

a mostly pointless list of mostly pointless superpowers written by a mostly pointless girl with a mostly pointless major and mostly pointless blue eyes that cry mostly pointless tears when she's mostly pointlessly sad

• the ability to make water lukewarm
• the ability to gain weight at above average speed (but you have to do that whole diet and exercise crap to get rid of it)
• the ability to punch really hard but really slowly
• the ability to run in slow motion 
• the ability to turn anything into a tv remote (but you can't change it back)
• the ability to doggy paddle twice as quickly
• the ability to move at the speed of light (but only when you're already in space. good luck finding a rocketship. if draco couldn't find one, neither can you. no pigfarts for you. pff)
• the ability to screenshot just by blinking
• the ability to fall asleep exactly 38 minutes after you go to bed
• the ability to eat two chocolate cakes in the space of an hour
• the ability to insert punctuation into other people's texts
• the ability to attract baseballs with your face
• the ability to name that actor in that movie without consulting imdb
• the ability to turn any noodles into top ramen
• the ability to make green things orange
• the ability to be open about things
• the ability to fall in love
• the ability to not care about getting hurt
• the ability to run away from feelings
• the ability to make leopard print into cheetah print
• the ability to make a really successful baking soda and vinegar volcano
• the ability to make cardboard into printer paper
• the ability to ask the supposedly nonexistent "stupid question"
• the ability to finish half of the things you start
• like this list

--erin

live like alphaville

reaching for words that faded with the firelight

forgetting my own expectations like

the balloons i didn't tie to my wrists


i feel it all

every swipe of purple lipstick

every space between my fingertips

every heartbeat ringing in my ear

especially the right one

the one with the sweet nothings

and the smiles you had to hear to believe


hearts beating

always beating

heads beating

always beating


never gets old

never getting old


always eighteen

always scraping my knees

always rolling the windows down

keep the music loud and the laughs louder


because

i am vital

alive




because

peter pan's got nothing on me.



--erin