to the boy who made me feel small over and over and over and over and over an

i never loved you

but you're the only one i can write about anymore

and i hate you for that

(and a lot of other things too)

spread out like your breath upon my back

soft on my lips
soft on my hips
"i love you"
"i love you"
"i love you"
youre waves
Crashing
Crushing
Me you're the seA
You're the sea
You're the Sea
So easy to wash
Away me
Wash me away
Wash me away
So soft
So sweet
I love
You
I love
You
Taking
Me away
Me away
Me away
Me away
I'm the sand
I don't want
To be
Washed away
Anymore
I love you
I can't be
Washed away
Anymore
I love you
I can't
I love you
I'm sorry
I love you

panning

i want you,

but i don't love you.

you're in my bed,

in my head,

drawing rivers onto my skin

and spinning my hair into gold.

i want you,

but I can't love you.

you're in my bed,

in my head,

turning my thoughts into rivers

and telling me that we're gold. 

i want you,

but I won't love you.

you're in my bed,

in my head,

the river pulling me under,

saying my hair looks gold underwater. 

i don't love you,

but i want to

just to know what it's like

to love the things that hurt me.

--erin 

The Alphabet at 20

(I haven't been able to write anything for a while, so I just recreated this post from my first blog in the hopes that it would help. I'll keep you posted. Also, it's good to know that I'm a lot less dramatic now than I was back then)

a is for Anxiety
b is for Boys and Booze and Bupropion
c is for Confession
d is for Dammit and Depression and Dicks
e is for Expectations and Exceptions
f is for Family
g is for God and Gossip Girl and Ghosting
h is for Hell and Heaven and Help
i is for Injustice
j is for Jealousy
k is for Kindness and Killing
l is for Lips and Love and Lust and Lackluster and Living
m is for Mothers
n is for "No"
o is for the Oxford comma
p is for the Past
q is for Questions and Quickies
r is for Read Receipts
s is for Septum piercings
t is for Transfer students
u is for Understanding
v is for Vodka and Voting and Voices
w is for Wit and maybe also Wang
x is for kisses
y is for "Yes"
z is for Zippers and Zits and Zebras and Zingers and Zombies and Zero and Zzz

blood sugar sex magik (explicit) - red/hot chili peppers

you call yourself strong
while the tears stay inside

keeping the blue
inside

and you can't see past the red
lights of the cars in front of you

and you drive away before the porcelain cracks
and you fill up with words

that never made your lungs
feel full until now

and your fingers are cold
and so are your toes

like they're blue
like they're going back to blue

and he walked away
and you don't know

where he went
and you don't care

about him driving stick
in your automatic

even though you remember
passing every red

light in front of you
every red

light falling
behind you

so you just adjust the rearview mirror
push your seat forward again

so you stop worrying what color your car is and
what color your heart is

because they're both
just fucking red

because everything's
just fucking red

and you worry about the cracked skin
on your knuckles

how the cracks are red

and they're different
from the cracks in the skin of his

but they're fucking red
too

and you remember the
good songs that remind you

of good times with people
who were bad for you

because you were good for them
and you're tired of being good for anyone

but yourself

because you're blue

you're fucking blue

and your lungs are full
and there's air
and you breathe in
and it's blue

your lungs are blue
even if your heart is red

and your car is red
and your knuckles are red

your lungs are blue

and you breathe
and you breathe
and you breathe
and you


--erin

headstone

my body
is a graveyard.

the bruises are fading
the nail marks have healed
but they were only gravestones anyway,

marking the places
you had whispered into my skin.

a lot of words
floating like smoke
from the coke can you passed me.

fogging up my head
like the words
that crawled beneath
the gravestones
you placed

beside my hips
beneath my collarbone
between my thighs.

the markers have faded
but the words are still there

light as smoke
from a coke can:

youre so beautiful.
rest in peace.

--erin

let the poets cry themselves to sleep

you told me
i looked pretty
when i cried
so i did
again and again
just for you


--erin